A Family Affair

There's been a lot of back and forth going on mainly because of a huge family issue going on in my family right now. I feel like I need to speak my peace about it because it seems every time I mention it at all a fight gets started whether it be publicly or privately. First let me say, I don't want any comments on this post, issue, etc. As many people already know (and I mean MANY including family, friends, friends of the family, and old colleagues of my father) my mom has decided to get re-married. I just found out yesterday that her wedding will take place next Sunday, 4/28/13. Yes, I'm upset. I personally feel it's too soon to get remarried considering my father died in October of last year. Not only that but the man she is marrying was my father's lawyer and someone who handled my grandfather's estate as well as my father's when he passed. This is entirely unethical for him to get into a relationship with one of his clients. If he had realized he was falling for my mother then he should have done the right thing and found another lawyer to handle dad's estate. It's not only this issue but the fact that he is very snobby and proceeds to tell you how to live your life even though he has no right to put his two cents in and I personally don't feel my life, my sister's life, or any of our friends lives are any of his business but my mom has taken it upon herself to make it his business. He has totally put down my sister in public several times. Now, personally he hasn't stepped on my toes yet. I don't know if it's because my sister warned him how feisty I can be and that he may be scared to step that boundary with me or if he's just playing cool and will snake his way under my skin later but whatever the reason I have been nothing but nice to him. Even with all of my feelings about how wrong this entire situation is, I've stayed nice and friendly. I was told a few months ago that my mom and him were getting married but not by them. I was told by my sister. Mom later asked if I would go out to lunch to meet him for the first time. I braced for impact and the news that I just knew they would share with me. But instead, we had small talk the entire time. Realizing that my mom really wasn't going to say a word to me about her decision to get married, I decided after he walked off to pull her aside and bring it up. She admitted that yes, they had decided to get married. I begged her to wait for at LEAST four months and that I thought she was rushing into this and not thinking clearly. I explained how much of a disaster it can be to rush into a marriage like I've done twice. She seemed to understand everything I was saying to her and told me she'd wait. A month later I found out, again through my sister NOT mom, that she had changed her address to his. After calming down, I decided to call her later that night. I explained what I had heard and that I was giving her a chance to clear the air. She immediately jumped right in saying it was all true and that they had decided to get married at the end of April. She even threw in there, "I waited like you asked me to." This astonished me. I once again told her I thought it was too early and it seemed to me and the rest of my immediate family that she was replacing dad and she was just marrying for money. She denied both of those allegations. I very calmly began to explain to her how much she's changed and that she's not the same person I grew up with and that I thought she wasn't thinking clearly and was making a huge mistake. I also explained that if she married him and then one day snapped out of this she would be stuck and it would be VERY hard to divorce a divorce lawyer without him taking everything. She just kept saying how happy she was and that she wished we all could be happy for her. Again, calmly, I explained that I was happy she found someone new and wasn't depressed anymore but that it wasn't the issue. It was how fast they had been moving and how it seemed like neither one of them cared how upset Melissa was and the fact that she literally has refused to talk to mom anymore. I listened to "mom's" side of all of the stories and how her fiance didn't mean to come off sounding rude (which I doubt it just being around him the few times I have) and listened as she kept saying she wanted us to be happy for her. Seeing as we were getting no where, I decided to ask what she planned to do with dad's house. She informed me that she just finished paying it off and wanted to know if me and the kids wanted to live there rent free. I began to cry, mainly because I was so happy to be able to raise my kids in dad's home and know that it wouldn't be sold. I told her how we all were concerned that she would sell the house and give her new husband the money. She assured me that wouldn't happen and that it wouldn't be sold until after she passed away some day and that in her will she would make it where me and Melissa would split the money 50/50. After hearing the news I began to make plans. I went ahead and told my landlady that I would be moving to dad's house this summer, and told Alex that he would be going to a new school. I was so excited knowing that I could finally save some money and pay off some debts I owe people by not having to pay rent. A week later I decided to text mom to find out the time frame we were looking at for me to move in there b/c I needed to pack and give an official 30 days notice to my landlady. She responded by saying that she just found out taxes were going up and that she couldn't afford it and would be selling the house instead. I was floored. I just had it ripped out from under me and what made it worse is once again, she wasn't going to tell me until I asked about it. I chose to just not answer her back instead of being rude. On top of this, I've gotten phone calls from my grandmother saying how mom has yelled at her and made her cry b/c my grandmother does not support this marriage either (more specifically, this quickly) and how mom never goes over there anymore. So me and my sister have started dividing up our time to go take care of me-maw, including last week when I got a call from mom as soon as I got to work telling me that me-maw had fallen the night BEFORE and had just now called mom. Mom then informed me that she was at her fiance's office and could not leave to go get me-maw because 1: she didn't drive her car and 2: he wasn't in the office....she was just sitting there by herself....great fiance huh? So I ultimately had to leave from work on a very important day to literally BREAK INTO me-maws house. Now to just pour salt on the wound....I found out yesterday from....you guessed it, my sister....that my mom ran into a friend of Melissa's and told HER that she was getting married next Sunday. I received a phone call from my mother an hour after I heard this news expecting her to be telling me when the wedding would be but instead she only asked if she could keep Liza Thursday. She never told me.

Now that you are up to date on most of it....here's my bit about it. I haven't yelled at her. I haven't cussed her out. I haven't punched her fiance. (Even though I've wanted to do all three) I've been nothing but nice. I've always calmly explained how me, my sister, and my grandmother feel about this and tried to come up with ways to work all of this drama out but I get cut down every time. Or I get fake promises. She's so far in her own marriage cloud that she's already asked me if me and my boyfriend of one month are getting married. Ummmm........ This threw us both for a loop. I still didn't catch an attitude. I have listened to her side and tried my best to understand what she's going through with the loss of dad and how lonely she's been. At the same time, I've tried to explain my side of it too. I have not once been rude to her. But she repeatedly pushes me and my family to the side for her new family. There have been many instances where she has just decided not to have anything to do with us. Let me make this clear: I DID NOT MAKE THAT DECISION. I never once told her that I would have nothing to do with her. She has made that decision on her own. She has already decided what she's going to do and very bluntly told me that she was getting married and that she didn't care what any of us thought. So that right there was a slap in the face considering I'd been so nice about the entire situation. Mom has made it clear that she doesn't care about any of us anymore. I've got people telling me that I just need to accept him and get ready to forgive her one day for her mistakes. I've got others telling me to let her go and not have anything else to do with her. I've got family members on dad's side saying they will accept the new man in her life and that we are ridiculous not to accept him also. Then I have other's astonished at what all is going on. My friends and co-workers have opinions very similar to my sister's and grandmothers, mind you, I've just told the story and not my views on it...they've come to their own conclusions. Here's my point...I don't care whose side you are on. I don't care if you will be attending the wedding and giving them hugs and kisses or sending them hate mail. I'm to the point where I don't care about any of it or anyone's opinion. It's quite apparent that I can't even put up on Facebook how the thought of mom not telling about her getting married next Sunday makes me cry. It's ridiculous. So this is the last time I will publicly say ANYTHING on this subject.

No I don't support their marriage. Yes I am very disappointed in my mom and the fact that she has turned her back on her daughters and her mother for a "man". Yes I think her new husband is a piece of crap and a low life lawyer who's only out to get money from my dead father and my grandmother. Any REAL man who was getting ready to marry a WOMAN and realizes that the family has literally split would say, "whoa, wait a minute. If our marriage is tearing your family apart then I think we should wait instead of rushing into the marriage and try to figure out how we can fix things between us and your family so that we ALL can get along and come together" but instead he's told us that we're wrong and has worked harder to steal my mom away during a very vulnerable time in her life. This is NOT mom. I don't know who this woman is. Maybe that's part of the reason it's so easy for me to ignore her texts and phone calls right now. I don't feel like speaking to a stranger right now. I am very hurt and cry a good bit about how my father's death has completely turned this family upside down. I miss him. If he was here none of this would be happening. Yes, I realize I can't get him back. Duh. I'm not dumb. It's funny to me how many people out there think I'm this naive little girl. I've been through A LOT in life and have SEEN a lot. I assure you I've seen more than most of you have that have decided to tell me how I should react to this situation or how I'm wrong for how I FEEL. Call me a kid if you want. Call me an idiot if you want. Call me an over-reactor if you want. I don't care. I'm done fighting. I work hard at my job helping take care of 20 dogs, 15 cats, and a baby as well as cleaning up after all of them. I work hard at home trying to keep my kids in line and teach them right from wrong as well as somehow finding the energy and time to keep the house clean. I'm dealing with my second divorce and the drama associated with that. I'm living off of food banks and handouts from friends. I almost cried just because my boyfriend bought me a new pair of $15 shoes because the sole of my work shoes had collapsed in on itself and I'd been having to walk on it like that for weeks. I'm steal dealing with the death of my father and now it feels like my mother has died too. So I'm dealing with the death of both parents and feel like I'm floating all alone. So please, yes, do tell me how to change my life and attitude (I'm being sarcastic here). How about instead, you just let me rant a little every now and then when I need to and realize it's how I FEEL and that it's okay to feel this way considering everything that's going on. I have been very realistic and rational through this whole thing. Ultimately mom made her decision, not me. The only thing I can do now is deal with the pain and the emotions going on in my head and move on. I don't see where that is a huge problem or where that means I'm doing anything wrong. I've tried to do everything right in this situation. I know I'm not perfect but damnit....I'm trying here. It seems that so many people are trying to understand mom's feelings but no one is stepping back and trying to figure out mine or my sister's feelings. So please...keep your comments to yourself. I don't want to see or hear anything. I will delete anything about this subject from here on out. I've said my peace. Now it's time to move on with MY life and rise above the roaring waters all around me.

Sneak peek of my book!

***This is an excerpt from the book Shine written by Sarah Munn Hobbs. No parts are to be copied or used in anyway unless approved by SMH. 

The doorbell rang and startled her from a light sleep. She lay still wondering if it was just a dream. The doorbell rang again followed by a knocking at the front door. She quickly jumped out of bed and looked at the clock.
6:30 am.
She rushed to the door, unlocked the deadbolt, and swung the door open.
Jim immediately tried to walk past her.
Stepping in his way she said, "Where have you been?" She sounded more like a mother than a wife at this point.
"Let's talk about this later. I have to get changed for work," he said and pushed past her.
She stood motionless while he retreated to the bedroom to change his clothes, brush his teeth, and comb his hair.
Her anger built up more and more with every minute that passed. He finally appeared and once again she stepped in his way.
"Seriously, where were you?" she asked.
Jim shook his head and replied, "Please, let's talk about this later. I'm going to be late for work."
Blocking his way she said, "You had me worried to death. You wouldn't pick up your phone or return any of my calls or texts. Who were you with? Answer me for God's sake!"
Trying to get her to move he replied, "I really don't have time for this. We will talk about everything tonight."
As he turned she noticed the bare spot on his left hand. Confused and hurt she looked further down to the key ring attached to his belt loop and saw the wedding ring dangling from it, almost torturing her.
Looking at him in the eyes she began to shiver.
"Is that what you want?" she asked.
"We will talk about it tonight."
She slipped her wedding rings off of her finger and held them out for him.
He refused to take them.
She slammed the rings down on the long wooden dresser that was now being used as a t.v. stand.
"There!" she exclaimed.
Much to her surprise he replied, "I have to go to work."
He left her standing there in the front room. No kiss. No hug. No "I love you". No anything. She stood in disbelief that this was happening. Sure they've had their problems. Many more fights than she could count. Days filled with loneliness. Nights filled with cries and legs covered in blood. Times of extreme cruelty on both their parts. Most of the memories made her shudder as they all flooded back into her brain. But nothing stung as bad as seeing him without his wedding ring on.
Surprisingly she didn't cry. Not even one drop. All she knew to do was continue on with her day and take care of her son.
All day she fought back thoughts of being abandoned and tried to remain hopeful. She couldn't bare the leave the beautiful diamond rings alone and sat twirling them on her fingers instead.
This can't really be the end, she thought. There's no way he'd really leave me. Sure the relationship had been rocky at best but he was always the one asking to stay with me. Not the other way around.
The clock ticked and time drew closer to him getting home from work.
She tried to look like nothing was wrong and kept her spirits up for her son. She just knew in the bottom of her heart that he would come home, say he was sorry, and life would go on.
She heard the car door slam, footsteps up to the door, and the door open. Her son jumped up and ran to his father shouting, "Daddy!" Jim hugged him and then told him to go play because mommy and daddy needed to talk.
Her spirits sank when she noticed his ring was still not on his finger.
He sighed slightly and began, "There's no easy way to say this so..."
He paused and stared at the floor.
"I'm not in love with you anymore and I want a divorce."
More was said. Much more. But none of it remained in her brain. Just those twelve words over and over.
"Wait," she said desperately. "We can work this out. Give it two weeks. If you still want to go after that then I won't bother you."
Tears began to flow from her eyes and he voice started to crack.
"We've done this before. I just can't I need to go," he replied.
"Just two more weeks," she pleaded.
"I'm sorry. I can't."
The words he spoke fell on deaf ears. She was lost. Lost in a sea of disbelief and tears. Nothing could stop her shaking. Not even one last hug from her soon to be ex-husband.
He quietly left. Left her. Left their son. Left everything behind. Her knees gave out and she collapsed to the floor. She could not hold back the emotion any longer. After everything she had gone through. After everything she had dealt with. After all of the tears and blood shed for the sake of her son and his father's relationship. She still got left.
"I'm not in love with you anymore and I want a divorce."
The words rang in her head like a demented bell.
With shaking hands she reached up to her ears to try to block out the sound. Nothing was working.
That is until a small voice broke through.
"Mommy? Are you okay?"
She wrapped her arms tightly around that small boy and cried. "He left us. He just left."
He allowed his mother to remain in his tiny arms. She knew he didn't understand. He had no idea of what just happened. In a way she hoped he would never know. She had no idea of what to do.
Finally he let go of her and said, "I'll be right back!"
He took off down the hallway. She did her best to regain composure as she wiped her tears away. Finally her heart slowed and the tears stopped. She had managed to somehow suck it all up.
He son came trotting up to her. He draped his favorite blanket around her shoulders.
"What's this for?" she asked smiling at him.
"My blanket always makes me feel better when I cry. You can have it. It will help you stop crying too!"
And with that the tears returned as she realized her three year old son had acted more like a grown-up and had surpassed her.

Anonymous

My thoughts have been shifting left and right lately. I'm constantly staying tired, no matter how much sleep I get. It feels as if something is literally sucking the life out of me. Honestly, it's painful. I know, I get it. It's depression. Classic signs and symptoms. I've already been diagnosed with that and had my anti-depressants up'ed a few times. I think it's more than that. I think it's everything that has happened over the years. It finally happened. It all piled up and I ran out of room to hide it anymore. My body is on overload and is desperately trying to toss some of the puzzle pieces to make room for more. But that's just it. It's coming out in bits and pieces. Half of the time my own thoughts don't form full sentences let alone any real thought process. There seems to be one similar factor between all of my erratic thoughts...it all has to do with the pain that has been tossed upon me by everyone who has ever hurt me. Trust me, it's a lot. I'd much rather big chunks come out at one time so that way if I tried to explain to someone what's happening in my mind it wouldn't sound like the t.v. threw up on you. I know those who are closest to me are getting tired of me telling the same stories over and over about what's happened to me but the counselor says that's what's best. To repeat the story many many times. So watch out. Pretty soon I'm going to open the flood gates and let my Facebook family and friends know the truth of what happened during those years that I was with my ex-husband. I can't continue to hold on to the secret much longer. I think it's doing more harm than it is good. Not tonight though! :) Way too tired for all of that. I'm tempted to write little bits and pieces of everything that's hurt me throughout my life on separate pieces of paper and spread them out throughout Lexington. They would be anonymous of course. Can you imagine the look on someone's face who found one? lol! Oh well. No more tonight. I'm going to go lay down, try to sort through a few thoughts, and get some rest. Get to go see dad tomorrow :) Yah!

Overwhelmed

As the title states, I'm very overwhelmed. As everyone knows, my father is in the hospital with cancer and will be starting chemo on Friday. Due to the recent no kids under 10 in the room rule, my visits to dad will not be often at all. I've done a fantastic job so far of staying strong and not weeping because I knew that's how dad would want me to be but tonight things have just piled up too much. The one person who I always turned to I cannot talk to now. I can't see my husband, cry to my husband, or even see my husband smile. I'm feeling more and more like a single parent and during this family crisis I'm finding it difficult to keep my head up and smile through the pain. I'm going day in and out trying my best to keep things "normal" around the house for the kids but the fact is, nothing about my life right now is normal. I never realized how hard it was to pretend everything was fine until now. I can't even tell my husband that I need money to pay the bills or to buy food for the kids. Everything is all screwed up. It's starting to feel like boot camp all over again. I know God doesn't put you through anything that you can't handle but my goodness, he must think I'm a champ! I feel like a wimpy blubbering fool right now. I also feel guilty for venting like this and crying when my father is lying up in the hospital in pain and losing his hair. I'm also tired of pretending I'm not affected by seeing him like this. All of it is affecting me very deeply. It seems like now I can't turn the corner without falling on my butt. But I guess that's the point of venting and crying...so you can make it through another day and I'm determined. Life may be really hard right now but God will help me through this. I'm counting on it. But please don't get angry or upset if I either don't feel like talking about anything that's going on for fear that it may bring up emotions I don't want/need to deal with or if I don't have time to stop and personally keep in touch with everyone. I am thinking about all of  you and praying that your problems work out as well. I'm not cold hearted. I'm just doing what I have to in order to get by. I love you all and thank you for the support.

Up's and Down's

I'm venting tonight. I'm tired of clamming up and holding it all in. I'm tired of the up's and down's. One minute I'm fine, so hopeful and sure of what's to come in the future and the next minute I'm crying and tripping over the words I'm saying to myself. I understand this is all normal after a traumatic event but I'm growing weary of it. I go day in and day out just waiting. Waiting for something to make me smile. Something to make these tears suck back into my head just so I can breath for another hour. I wrote a note about hope and strength last night and trust me, I believe every bit of it but that's why I get so frustrated when I get so low as in right now. I don't know if it's because my medicine isn't working like it should, if my brain is so full that it's spilling over, or if this is all normal. I don't even know what normal means anymore. I'm tired of this emotional roller coaster and I'm tired of feeling crazy. It seems to me that I can't be honest to anyone for fear of being ridiculed, laughed at, or talked down to. I can't please every body and I know that. I'm trying so hard to do what the counselor said and work on myself. Figure out what's best for me. But what's best one minute is wrong the next. I'm sure this is the bipolar tendencies kicking it's way back in through my door but it's hard. It's hard not knowing what emotion is going to ring the door bell next. No one understands how it feels to not be in control unless they have the same problems. I'm tired of it all right now. I'm tired of feeling like a single parent (again), I'm tired of the lack of sleep and the nightmares, I'm tired of eating the same crappy food night after night, I'm tired of sitting alone at night with nothing to do but twiddle my thumbs, I'm tired of not being able to even say hi to my husband, and I'm tired of not getting a hug from him when I need it the most. One week to go and it seems like an eternity. What makes it worse is how close he really is. I feel like I'm the only one who's crying this much and feeling this bad. I know I'm not but it certainly feels this way. I just hope this blog of nothing but venting will get it out a little so I can breathe again. I can't wait when this is all over, if it ever will be. I'm trying desperately to hold onto my strength and to let God guide me. I just wish I could be numb like I was before. That made this whole thing so much easier to deal with. And after all of this is said and done, maybe I'm just tired and the day has worn off on me. There will be no parties for this girl tonight. Just a date with the t.v. and a bag of popcorn. I need everyone's prayers for strength. That's what I need more than anything, to be able to keep my strength up. I have hope, I have faith, I have love, but I need more strength. I can't wait for the day I can smile and mean it.

Full Time Life

I realized something recently with our on going talks of my husband going full time in the Army instead of staying Guard...my entire life is Army. My identity is "Army Wife". I can't even remember back to the time when I was just Sarah. Since he joined over three years ago, our entire life has revolved around the military. Even my home has been decorated with non-stop military inspired gear.

I can't turn a corner in this house without seeing some reminder of the life we signed up for. I was one of the lucky ones who was able to be there from the very first thoughts of joining the military and have been able to see the transformation unfold of how an ordinary family can turn into something that is controlled by Uncle Sam and surprisingly loves it. But even though the love for the military seems to flow through our veins, I find myself and the person I once was fading in the background and the Army coming through.

At first it was pretty bitter that I was losing myself and my identity but then the sweetness sunk in and the reality of it wasn't that "I" was gone but more so I had transformed and grown-up. Now I can't imagine my life any different. Our bond has become stronger with talks of going full time and my American pride is soaring.

We still have a long way to go and we are very unclear of where we might go but I'm finding myself getting excited at the thought of moving. I'm ready to take that big step. I'm ready to make new friends, join clubs, make a difference in other wives lives and the lives of our men and women who are serving. I'm ready to finally feel accepted and be a part of something bigger than just my little world. The possibilities are huge from what we've seen so far and the blessing I received from my father today just took all of the worry and doubt away. If it were up to me, we'd go sign up today! But I guess it's a good thing that my husband is a little more cautious. Plus of course, we still need to get him over his back issues and in good health before we really take that step. But I'm so excited. I even bought a new book today which so far (about four chapters into it) has already been very helpful. Any new military wives, girlfriends, and/or fiance's should pick up a copy.

So a big Hooah shout to all of the fellow military wives/families out there and of course a huge prayer that we may find the best path for our family and a VERY bright future. I'm just hoping the excitement doesn't wear off and I stay happy and hopeful for what is to come. I feel like all of the bad times and hard work has just prepared my heart for future hardships and has made me MUCH stronger. So until next time, I love you all.

Plastic Eggs & Fevers

Welp...the boy is home sick today from school and currently he's pissed at me because I WON'T let him go to school. Shouldn't that be backwards?? I wish I would have loved school that much! In other news, last week was rough but I must say this week has been decent so far. There are just a few hiccups that have left me scratching my head in confusion. Half the time I'm wandering around trying to figure out what I'm doing here. I'm wondering if some decisions I've made were really what was best but then I have to remember, I'm stuck with them. I can't verbally express why I'm feeling this way or what exactly is getting me down without calling some people out on their own mistakes so I have to just keep quiet and wish for the best. But I will ask, have you ever felt unsure about something? Like do you feel you rushed into something and brought a lot of pain on yourself when it all could have been avoided if you took a different path? It could be the NOS energy drink running through my brain causing me to think too much but I can't seem to get it off my mind. Of course, I could play the what if game until I die and never be satisfied. I just wish God would take away some of the cloudy confusion and give me a break for a while.

On the other hand, the "iffies" have given me the drive to clean and stay busy so my house looks pretty decent right now I must say and I even managed to get those annoying little plastic Easter eggs on the trees outside and around the deck.

I could have used many many more on the trees because it seems to me they just blend in but there's my indecisiveness playing in again so I'll just leave it. At least the kids like it.

Well guys, I'm tired. Even though it's been a good week so far I've been constantly wiping tears away so no one can see them and trying my best to win a fight that feels like it's hopeless. I'm trying my best to hold on to hope and the fact that ONE day things will lift and get better but after years of torment and months of just trying to bite my tongue to keep fights from starting, it's kinda hard to. I'm sure many of you know what I mean. I just hope it clears soon and I can feel the love and support that every person is supposed to feel and SHOULD feel. 

Time to go nurse the boy back to health! Even if he is mad at me, at least I know I'm doing what's best for him. I'm sure God's doing the same for me :)